Last night I watched possibly the dumbest movie yet. It was The Messengers with Dylan McDermott, Penelope Ann Miller, and John Corbett. Here's how it goes.

I'm going to do you a favor and give you the run down on this movie so that you won't waste a Netflix choice or $7.50 (or more). Then you can contribute the $7.50 to the Alzheimer's Memory Walk in my behalf!

Mom and Dad (played by Penelope Ann Miller and Dylan McDermott) have a Troubled Teen (Jessica) and a Baby Boy (Ben) who, although obviously at least three years old, doesn't speak. This is only the first of many contrivances in this film: the Troubled Teenager and the Afflicted Toddler. Mom and Dad have bought a decrepit house sitting ominously in the Middle of Nowhere in North Dakota. Immediately you realize that the family is Troubled because of Mom's worried look and Dad's short temper. Jessica is a bit on the surly side, not happy about leaving behind everything that is familiar, including all of her friends, so that she can move into a house that obviously has not been painted in 50 years, looks like a strong breeze would level it, and is miles from anything resembling civilization. Plus, surprise! There's no cell phone service: second obvious contrivance.

But never mind! Mom and Dad are Starting Over, and Jessica is plainly part of the reason for this. There are subtle allusions to Jessica's Problems Back Home (which will be revealed when it is necessary to explain why three year old Ben never utters a word -- something that may puzzle you throughout the first hour of the movie. He often points and looks up at the ceiling, however.)

What is the plan, you ask? MomandDad are going to start a sunflower farm. Dad -- who obviously must know more than we do about the sunflower market - is confident that there is big money in sunflower seeds for the small independent farmer with no money, who will be plowing, planting, and harvesting acres and acres of sunflowers entirely on his own without any help from Mom, Jessica, or the Stranger, who mysteriously appears on the property (how did he get there? On foot? In the Middle of Nowhere?) -- twice -- and pressures Dad to sell him the property. This is never explained to any degree whatsoever but certainly makes you, if not Dad, wonder what's with this piece of crap house, that a guy in a suit would come walking up out of nowhere (I'm assuming since there's no car anywhere to be seen), contract in hand - did I mention twice -- wanting to buy it?

So, Dad is trying to get his New Life started and yet another Stranger appears (it's crowded out in the Middle of Nowhere North Dakota), not out of the blue, but from just over the hill: a bearded, disheveled, grungy, shotgun toting John Corbett (the charming fiance from My Big Fat Greek Wedding and Northern Exposure), played by Burwell Rollins. I'm sorry. That's Burwell Rollins, played by John Corbett.

Burwell appears just in the nick of time, as Dad is being attacked by the crows that have hung around the house (ala Hitchcock.) One blast from Burwell's shotgun scatters the crows, which is enough to satisfy Dad that this is a guy they'd like to keep around. Asked if he is from town, Burwell gives a vague and suspicious answer but that doesn't faze Dad who hires him on the spot in exchange for room and board. Mom invites him inside for a meal. Yes. Invites into their home with two children (Troubled, not to mention sexy, Teen and Afflicted Toddler) a total stranger, wandering around the outback of North Dakota, carrying a shotgun. HOWEVER: The writers, bowing to Hollywood's dedication to gun control, have Mom ask Burwell to leave his shotgun outside. YOU can come in, although we have never set eyes on you before, you seem to have been dropped out of the sky, you agreed to work for free without hesitation and for all we know could have knives and other sharp objects on our person -- but it's okay - just leave the gun outside!

So everything is set up and the movie proceeds to tease us and make us jump in all the right places. Ben points mysteriously to the ceiling and to dark spots on the walls, and Jessica hears things go bump in the night. But when she calls the police after a particularly noisy event with furniture flying and banisters tumbling, nothing in the house is out of place. Not a stick. Naturally everyone believes Jessica is just trying to get attention, or maybe on drugs, and they chastise her for causing so much trouble. And get with the program, Jessica: we are staying here and Starting Over. Dad reminds her that he has sunk twenty years of savings into getting Ben well, no thanks to you , Jessica. Finally we learn that Jessica was driving drunk with Ben in the car, there was an accident, and Ben wound with an injury that has left him mute. But cute. And psychic.

It appears Jessica and Ben are the only family members who can see the mysterious and creepy Things that Go Bump In The Night which are, naturally, in the basement, behind the mysteriously locked door, and in the barn -- all places where Jessica goes, alone, to investigate. These critters are deathly pale, in a semi-decayed state, with big blank eyes and the ability to jump rather quickly just when a fright is needed.

Okay, I'm going to cut to the chase here. The rest of the movie is just one big set up, with ridiculously contrived situations. It turns out that Burwell was the husband and father of the previous family that "just disappeared" according to townspeople (although Burwell was still around somewhere, living off the land apparently, unbeknownst to anyone). After being attacked by the crows himself -- I guess the crows are on the side of his dead family -- Burwell suddenly thinks that Mom is his former wife and relives the night he murdered everyone. The spirits of his dead family are, of course, the source of all the bumping and grabbing and weird scurrying we have seen so far.

I'm almost as tired of this "review" as I was of the movie. Burwell tries to kill Mom, Jessica, Dad, Ben, and Jessica's friend, a Townie. However, the spirits of his family come to the rescue and pull Burwell down into the muck in the basement where he drowns.

Cut to several months or years later, and Mom, Dad, Ben, Jessica, and Jessica's friend are all harvesting the sunflowers under a brilliantly blue North Dakota sky, and yes, Ben is talking. In a scene that looks like a Pepsi commercial from the 1970's, everyone is smiling and happy because the spirits are at peace, Burwell having gotten what he deserved. The crows have flown away, the sunflowers are flourishing and everyone is happy. Peace, Man.

Don't waste your time or money on this lousy movie. When I see a piece of drivel like this, I wonder how much it cost to make it and how much the actors got for starring in this? Geez, I could write something better than this.